Lately, everything feels heavy. Nothing feels like my choice anymore. I’m just… functioning. A moving piece in a bigger system, doing what needs to be done — not because I want to, but because I have to.

I feel irritated, disconnected. It’s been so long since I smiled without effort — a real, unfiltered smile that wasn’t hiding exhaustion behind it.

I’ve tried. I really have. I’ve tried new things. I’ve read more books, talked to people, opened up. But in the end, it all feels forced. Like I’m ticking boxes instead of living. I look at the holiday pictures I’m editing — not because I enjoy it, but because it’s expected. For the family. For the memory. For the sake of it.

Even going to the horse, something that once brought me peace, feels like another task on my list. I catch myself asking: Do I even enjoy this anymore?

And the scariest part? I don’t know what I like. I don’t know what I want. Everything I do has a purpose, and not in a soulful way. It’s always about productivity — about making money, meeting expectations, keeping things running.

Maybe that’s why children are so genuinely happy. They do things simply because they want to. No goal. No pressure. Just joy.

But what about us?
What do we want?
And more importantly — how do we find that part of ourselves again?